The Amazing Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by “knit”, I mean “kick”, and by “sweaters”, I mean “babies”.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck Norris.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris’s way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the f*ck down!

Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose’s shit.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Guns don’t kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.

Chuck Norris does not sleep, He waits.

Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

God wanted 10 days to create the world. Chuck Norris gave him 6.

Every year on his birthday, Chuck norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

Chuck Norris does not go hunting because ‘hunting’ implies a chance of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
Chuck Norris knows what you did last summer and what you are doing right now.

Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person that could fly.

Chuch Norris once punched a woman in the vagina because she didn’t give him exact change.